Defying God’s creation

We don’t like all the choices we made. One of mine was the facial reconstruction. After this operation I wasn’t the same person as before and looked with different eyes at myself.

Was this because of a wrong choice? Or was it because I thought that the opinion of fellow Christians was equivalent to the view of Dad?

The opinions and the piercing questions brought shame.

“Why aren’t you satisfied with yourself?

Why are you not satisfied with the fact that God made ​​you beautiful, as Psalm 139 says?

Why do you defy God’s beautiful creation?

These comments where like a poison in my life. They brought shame in a situation where God had given me peace about. But the poison kept seeping through my heart.

step0002

 

The mirror was a terror. I didn’t dare to say that I was ‘loved, beautiful made and precious’, because somewhere I believed that that was a lie. I had changed God’s marvelous creation? I doubted God by choosing this?

The topic “operation” was a door I kept on lockdown. It caused me that nervous feeling. I didn’t talked much about it even though I was in eextremephysical pain. The chronical pain that was caused by the operation was something I caused by myself.

The moments you are standing the next morning – after an intense Saturday – in the church and you pastor is saying: “We are here together to exalt God. Come and lift our voices!” And your voice is broken. Your passion is singing, but your voice is too weak to sing.

Friends didn’t (and still find it hard) to understand why I quit talking after a busy afternoon why I locked myself down. They didn’t knew the medicines that were taken in despair and the effects of it.

You heard about healing and silently I hoped that when God was in a gracious mood, He would heal me. But in my head there was still that voice: “You don’t deserve this.”

Because what if…. What if He was upset by this decision? What if this was a sentence I needed to carry on my own?

Dad was standing behind me, but didn’t push. He had placed His hand on my back and stood beside me. Nothing to say, but eyes filled with tears. Holy Spirit whispered in my heart: “Ask Him… Ask about His opinion.”

“Dad?” I said sobbing en I stepped aside to give Him space in the situation. He walked in front of me and lifted my chin. The chin stuffed with screws from the operation.

“I love you! I love you so much!”

He was silent for a brief moment. But He continued with a glimmer in His eyes.

“Do you know what…. I even like you! I like you very much! In my eyes you are perfect, without any spot or wrinkle. And can I tell you something more? I am not angry about you! I like you and will always like you! You’re beautiful from head to toe, my dear love, beautiful beyond compare, absolutely flawless

I led the hands of the surgeon. I gave Him my spirit of excellence and when you woke up I said: ‘It is very good!’ But the peace I gave to you was robbed, because people didn’t handled that vulnerable heart well. I was cheering next to you: ‘I like you! I find you beautiful!’ The wall you raised high by the opinions, caused me to stay outside your heart. But I am glad and honored that you are letting me in again.”

And now? I need to say that I am still learning to look into the mirror and to accept my face, to accept the part that God likes me the way I was and the way I am.

When I look now to both pictures, I say: “The Silvana I was then, is from the inside and outside made more beautiful by the heavenly Surgeon!”

10406953_10204086947678877_7196198152297260460_n

Advertisements

I will not be silent anymore!

I was so touched by one of the teenagers I talked with this weekend. “Silvana, why does God likes us?”

I remembered the same question at that age. Broken and rebelling as I was. They didn’t noticed it in such a way, but saw the walls I pulled up so high and thick that they couldn’t make any move. So desperate of love I started running away.

Now I am back and I am standing on the other side of the wall, crying: “Let us in! We have the Answer for you!”

I’m trying.. just like Dad.

I remember so vivid the girls sitting around me and listening to the thing what I was going to say. I didn’t knew yet, but as I looked around I was startled by one sentence.

“I will not be silent! I will not be silent for their sake anymore!”

Isaiah 62! You want to speak that over them!

After their first thoughts over the weekend and the meeting they had we talked about the destiny and identity we see in them, but we want them to meet with Dad, because He can give true identity and remove all fear and lies.

Regarding Zion, I can’t keep my mouth shut,
    regarding Jerusalem, I can’t hold my tongue,
Until her righteousness blazes down like the sun
    and her salvation flames up like a torch.

Foreign countries will see your righteousness,
    and world leaders your glory.

For your sake I can keep silent! I will not keep my mouth shut! I will keep crying out to you. I will keep inviting you to go deeper. I will keep calling out to you to crawl into My arms. Until the moment you find out that Salvation is love burning like a flame in you. Until righteousness shines brighter than ever. Until every one sees your beauty!

You’ll get a brand-new name10215943
    straight from the mouth of God.
You’ll be a stunning crown in the palm of
 God’s hand,
    a jeweled gold cup held high in the hand of your God.

You will be called My own! You will be called My daughter. Know that you are the most precious jewel. You are my priced possession and I will hold you high!

No more will anyone call you Rejected,
    and your country will no more be called Ruined.
You’ll be called Hephzibah (My Delight),
    and your land Beulah (Married),
Because
 God delights in you
    and your land will be like a wedding celebration.

You will not be seen as a rejected one. Even you will see yourself as rejected. Your heart will not be ruined anymore. I am ruined by one glance of your eyes. Cause you are My delight and My married one.

War against every loved one..

It has been a while since I talked with my dad on such a level. We have done lots of things together, but tonight was a phone-call I hope to remember for a long time. He reminded me about the struggle I had at home when it just had happened. How I fought my own father, where I started war against every loved one who came close.

When you are environment where people are poking in your feelings, pushing your boundaries and stepping on your toes. It makes you long for home and not for that cold wave of water crashing on your self-made sandcastle. Nationale conferentie

The people who where good distant friends, but changed in homies (so close as family) are seen as predators.

It makes me wonder. Do I need to start over? What does it takes to feel at home again? Why does my body screams I don’t want anyone close to me while my heart yearns for the laughs and the cares…

O God, will You be my safe Haven in this house?

Will You become my Peace in relationships?

Jesus, will You be my Tower of trust?